How I'm Feeling...

Nope, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, even though sometimes I feel like I did. It's been almost two weeks and it seems like I've experienced two years' worth of emotions. Although this is really putting myself out there, here are some of the things I'm feeling lately.

Mostly I feel overwhelmed by the extremes of my emotions, and sometimes confused with how quickly they change. I feel sad - a lot - since Jon died. It's been hard for me to go on with day to day activities as if he were still here. At times, I feel angry that life just keeps going and that the world didn't stop like I thought that it should. I feel guilty each time I experience something good that I know Jon would enjoy. I feel compassion when I think of his friends. I feel worry every time I think of my mom and family. I feel frustrated with Jon... for not understanding how precious he is to all of us, and how small his worries were in the grand scheme of things.  I feel sorry that I didn't know what he was going through, and regret for not keeping in better contact with him. I feel exhausted, because I can't sleep and have buried myself in work. I feel fake when I'm asked how I am doing, and I smile and say 'I'm fine'... and yet I feel serenity in knowing that each day is a little better.

I feel happy in the knowledge I have of the goodness of God and I feel blessed to be His daughter. I feel excited when I think of all of the learning Jon must be doing, because he so loves to learn! I feel peace when I  pray and content in the answers given to me. I feel my troubled heart become calm as I think of His eternal plan. I also feel strengthened by my family and friends... by your kind words, notes, emails, and flowers. I feel grateful that I am so loved. I feel pure love and comfort as I am surrounded by my husband and children.

I feel honored to have been Jon's sister and respect for the man he became, and I feel joy that I will see him again one day.

Time stopped today...

Just shortly after we got home from church today, I got the news that my baby brother, only 23 years old, passed away unexpectedly. I can't stop crying and my heart is aching... to give him one more hug, to sit and have one more good long talk, to tell him one more time how much I adore him, respect him, and especially love him.
I love you, Jon... and will miss you greatly, my sweet and tender big little brother.

The Big Island of Hawaii

Sorry I've been so slow to post... there just aren't enough hours in a day! Here were some of our Big Island highlights:

*The night we got on the island, we saw the first of many incredible sunsets on this island. We also got to explore the Waikoloa Beach resort we stayed at, which was awesome! They had their very own dolphins that we could watch anytime; a beach and snorkeling area with all kinds of fish, turtles, and more; amazing views of the ocean, and whale watching just by standing there (although I didn't get to see one, I kept hearing other people talk about seeing them - my luck again); there were swimming pool areas on each end of the resort that were amazing - several levels with hot tubs and waterfalls, and even a water slide; each night they had a traditional tiki lighting with a cute Hawai'ian guy running from one end to the other lighting the torches, stopping to blow his horn at certain spots.





*Going to a very small ward in a tiny church building. After sacrament meeting was over, the bishop called up all of the visitors by the podium. Once we were all up there, the entire congregation sang a traditional song to us, Aloha `Oe... in Hawaiian (the way they sang it) the chorus is this:
Aloha `oe, aloha `oe
E ke onaona noho i ka lipo
One fond embrace,
A ho`i a`e au
Until we meet again

It translates into this:
Farewell to you, farewell to you
The charming one who dwells in the shaded bowers
One fond embrace,
'Ere I depart
Until we meet again

After they finished the song, a sister in the ward went through the line of visitors and placed a knit lei around the neck of the men, and a brother in the ward placed one around the neck of the ladies... each with the traditonal kisses on the cheeks. It was such an amazing moment for all of us, and many of us agreed that it was one of the most memorable moments of the entire trip. Even more amazing is that each of the leis were knit by hand by a sister in the ward - and I wish that I could thank her face-to-face because this was the size of our group:



*Driving along and talking about how beautiful it was, rounding a corner and all of a sudden everyone inhaled deeply because this took our breath away:



So we went on a hike down these cliffs:





Along the way, the scene kept changing right before our eyes, and we even found coral on the path along the way:







And found ourselves barefoot on a beautiful BLACK sand beach:







*Another day we went to a white sand beach, Hapuna Beach, which is currently the #2 beach in the United States. We body surfed, built sand castles and a 'sand-man', completely rolled in the sand, and got to see someone else's creation brought down from the top of Mauna Kea... which reminded us so much of the cold and snow we had left at home, and somehow managed to make us enjoy our moment that much more:








*We went to Honaunau Place of Refuge, which is a wonderful area of water with beautiful coral reef right off the edge of lava rock - some of us to scuba dive, some of us to snorkel, and I stayed up with the littlest of us who was afraid to put on her gear and go into the choppy water... so she and I explored all of the sea life in the tidepools, which turned out to be oh, so fun!:








*And then the bravest of us went cliff-jumping just shortly before sunset. It was a BIG cliff! I was so glad that I was the one that HAD to take pictures! Well, more like volunteered:











*And because we didn't get enough of Hapuna Beach the first time:









*We also went to the top of Mauna Kea, where the world's largest observatory is located. Mauna Kea ("White Mountain") is a dormant volcano on the island of Hawaii. The highest point in the Pacific Basin, and the highest island-mountain in the world, Mauna Kea rises 32,000 ft from the ocean floor to an altitude of 13,796 ft above sea level, which places its summit above 40 percent of the Earth's atmosphere. The stars were amazing, and it was a cloudy night. I can only imagine what they look like on a clear night. Sorry, I didn't get pics of any of that. We also went on a tour of lots of other places on the island. Unfortunately, I can't remember the name of this place:











*But I will NEVER forget our hike of Akaka Falls:

















*Driving over the highway that has been covered with lava flow from the Kilauea Volcano since about 1983, then hiking through all that lava and seeing life that is now springing up through the cracks... and the steam of the still-active areas of the volcano from where we were. It was also interesting to me to see the many homesteaders that are living right there on that lava:

*Afterwards, we went to another black sand beach area, and it was so awesome to walk on that lava, then walk to a shore line, where the water has crashed in on it so much, that it has crumbled it into large chunks, then to small rocks, and then into black sand. The locals have planted coconut trees in crevices all over, to help bring back their beautiful green landscape. And of course, we had to make a black sand castle. We had yummy locally made ice cream, too - I can't leave that out, even though there's no pic:

Next up... our adventures on Maui... not to worry, that post won't be as long as most of our trip was on the big island of Hawaii. Besides, I got tired of carrying my camera around, and was very much into the relaxation once we got to Maui... but the ones I got are GOOD... just you wait!

Thanks for suffering through such a long post!