How I'm Feeling...

Nope, I didn't fall off the face of the earth, even though sometimes I feel like I did. It's been almost two weeks and it seems like I've experienced two years' worth of emotions. Although this is really putting myself out there, here are some of the things I'm feeling lately.

Mostly I feel overwhelmed by the extremes of my emotions, and sometimes confused with how quickly they change. I feel sad - a lot - since Jon died. It's been hard for me to go on with day to day activities as if he were still here. At times, I feel angry that life just keeps going and that the world didn't stop like I thought that it should. I feel guilty each time I experience something good that I know Jon would enjoy. I feel compassion when I think of his friends. I feel worry every time I think of my mom and family. I feel frustrated with Jon... for not understanding how precious he is to all of us, and how small his worries were in the grand scheme of things.  I feel sorry that I didn't know what he was going through, and regret for not keeping in better contact with him. I feel exhausted, because I can't sleep and have buried myself in work. I feel fake when I'm asked how I am doing, and I smile and say 'I'm fine'... and yet I feel serenity in knowing that each day is a little better.

I feel happy in the knowledge I have of the goodness of God and I feel blessed to be His daughter. I feel excited when I think of all of the learning Jon must be doing, because he so loves to learn! I feel peace when I  pray and content in the answers given to me. I feel my troubled heart become calm as I think of His eternal plan. I also feel strengthened by my family and friends... by your kind words, notes, emails, and flowers. I feel grateful that I am so loved. I feel pure love and comfort as I am surrounded by my husband and children.

I feel honored to have been Jon's sister and respect for the man he became, and I feel joy that I will see him again one day.